okay wtf is with the ad before I'm allowed to post anything.

In other news, the swelling is going down and I'm beginning to see just how much weight I've lost since my surgery. It's frankly frightening on 2 levels.

Level 1 - I'm seeing my neck and chest looking Nancy Reagan thin. My thighs are really thin. My knees are thicker than my thighs. No wonder I have so little strength! Oddly, my face doesn't look any thinner to me.

Level 2 - as thin as I look, I'm no where near thin enough for current modeling standards. *shudder*

I'm sleeping downstairs on a futon with a really good mattress. I have trouble getting out of bed but once I'm up I move around okay. I've only taken 2 of the 30 percocets given to me. Those were only to help with the discomfort of car rides. I totally can see how someone could addicted to them. They work so well at making all pain everywhere go away and your mind gets relaxed as well. It's a lot like being mildly drunk and then hitting a joint a few times but you're not all loud and foolish. I'm flushing them when I'm certain my pain can be managed with Tylenol and it is getting close to that point. Too tempting to have around with a teenager.

I've been to the Coumodin clinic to begin that therapy. Got to be on it for 6 months. Appointments are once a week.

Get my staples out next Tuesday and see the radiologist same day. Will probably need a perc that day for all that activity. Getting in and out of a car is right painful and all the bumps and turns just add to the hurt.

Walking is still a chore. I can at least laugh a little without hurting again. Coughing is downright awful.

Back to walking around.

I'm home. I'm tired. I'm sore. I have Crohn's disease apparently. I'm on Coumodin for a while. I see nothing but doctor's appointments ahead for quite a while.

But I should be able to sleep tonight uninterrupted.

She is back in a regular room now and the fever has gone away. She also had a bowel movement this morning so she is allowed to eat food again (a liquid diet for now). Still waiting on the pathology results from the removed section of intestine to see what caused the inflammation, but they are estimating that she should be able to go home around the middle of the week.

Well, I think I've used at least 2 lives this week. I've been eviscerated, had bits cut out and re-viscerated. I've had tubes and wires crisscrossing through me and over me. I've been stapled back together and am waiting to see what comes next. I've not eaten for 4 days waiting to see when my digestive system will start working again. And the crown jewel of it all--starting my period the day after surgery.

I've had really awesome nurses and one really awful assistant. I've had a fever, blood clots in my lungs (small ones), weak legs, and I'm so puffy from all the fluids and meds being pumped into me that I can't even wear my wedding ring.

I'm tired most of the time, but getting stronger though. I don't know if I have a job anymore. I have a long recovery ahead and as of today no idea what caused the obstruction right where my small and large intestines meet. They still meet but there is less of both of them now.

That's enough for now. I've got to do some breathing exercises. Later peeps.

[Note: since her last post, the pain and vomiting returned Tuesday night, so it was back to the emergency room. After another CT scan, it was decided she needed exploratory surgery. During the surgery on Wednesday morning, they found and removed an inflamed section of the small intestine right where it connects to the large intestine (and took out her appendix as well just for good measure). She spent the rest of Wednesday and most of Thursday in the ICU recovering (she was awake about an hour after coming out of surgery), then was moved to a regular room Thursday night (with the horrible assistant nurse), but continued to have a fever Friday (generally 100 point-something, topping out at 101.3), so they checked for blood clots (another CT scan) and found some small clots in or around her lungs, so they put her on blood thinners which meant moving back to the ICU. During the day Saturday the fever came down, but was back Saturday night. She has been up walking around the last couple days and is moving much better now. More news as it becomes available. -Ray]

Seriously.

After waiting to take the barium test I was told that the contrast fluid from Friday/Saturday's CT scan hadn't cleared my system so "there is nothing we can do for you." That was swell having had nothing to eat since dinner the day before. From what the doc could see from the image he took today, there isn't a physical obstruction. This being contrary from everything I had been told I questioned him thoroughly and asked to see the scan myself. What may have occurred is one of several things. 1 - the CT contrast, heavy flow of IV fluids and anti-biotics may have cleared the obstruction but more likely it's 2 - the obstruction was functional. Functional would be that my digestive system stopped working due to virus, food poisoning or a mystery reason ("sometimes it just happens"). I'm still putting my money on the food poisoning horse or alien colonization. The, uh, stuff that the NG tubed pulled out my system didn't look from this earth. The doc said I could stay in the hospital for a couple of more days until the contrast cleared and the test could be done, but despite the delicious clear diet, delightful view of the heating and a/c system, a fun mechanical bed, getting poked every 4 hours by someone for vital signs and a new IV every 4 hours as well (but never at the same time as being poked for vitals) I declined. It was a tough decision. I was then told to stay home one more day to be sure no symptoms returned. Normally I go against medical advice but since I feel rather like I've been beaten up by the Taliban I think it's an excellent idea. The barium tests can be done as an outpatient procedure but if no symptoms return I will probably pass on that since it takes about 4 hours from start to finish.

For the record, this is the update I sent to my boss today word for word.

Tidbits:

Morphine = overrated
NG tubes = suck in more ways then one
IV's = sore arms, blood, tape, hate them

How anyone is supposed to get rest in a hospital is beyond me. Sleep deprivation seems to be the standard way to do things. You'll just get to sleep when someone is waking you up to see how you are doing, taking vitals, or swapping IV bags no matter what time of day. I got an IV removed and placed in another area at 2 am today because the nurse didn't feel comfortable with it being on the same side as my biopsy. Didn't seem to care how comfortable I felt about it. You would figure getting home would mean uninterrupted sleep. No. Phone woke me up (lose weight! on the caller ID) and then about 2 hours later one of my cats sniffed my nose scaring the crap out of me. Not literally thank heaven. I gave up at that point.

The house. A disaster. The kitchen hasn't been cleaned, cat litter everywhere and the boxes need cleaning, etc.

My mother is disappointed once again that I don't have a tumor or some really bitching life threatening disease. I indicated my unhappiness with her blabbery of everything which she did not appreciate. So sorry Mumsy but I've had enough of this BS. I've basically had enough of everything medical. My crankiness level is 10+. All a positive outlook has gotten me so far is being call "brave", "a trooper", etc. but not any better physically and I don't fucking care if my attitude sucks. Mentally I'm toast. Physically I'm Gallagher's prop watermelon post smashing. I'm seconds away from quitting my job because I'm tired of trying to do and be all, all of the fucking time. I'm tired of being "The Decider". I'm tired of a lot of things right now and if I had any energy I'd cry but even that seems like too much work.

Full fucking stop.

Well, it seems what I thought was food poisoning on Monday ended up being something else entirely. The stomach ache from Monday never went away. Friday night the pain intensified and I found myself nose first in the porcelain fixtures vomiting. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. --you get the idea. Finally it was decided that I should go to the ER.

ER's are always such fun. We were stuck in an exam room designed for kids, complete with colored chalk, stuffed bears, a curtain with childlike animal drawings, and a large poster of an orangutan holding a flower. Things are a little hazy for me. I do remember getting x-rayed and CT scanned. It turns out I have an obstructed bowel (in the small intestine). I also remember getting morphine and I clearly recommend getting an NG tube. A what? --a tube run through your nose down to your stomach. Not pleasant. It did remove much of the bloating and sucked out what might have been alien babies or their eggs.

The blockage is still there (at least partially). The tube is gone (as of Saturday night). I'll have to drink barium tomorrow and be x-rayed every 1/2 hour to see how it progresses through my digestive tract. If the blockage is too large I will need to have surgery, if it is small enough I get to go home.

I'm sure my new employers are less than impressed so far. Sigh...

[Sue wrote this in her hospital room Sunday night (while missing True Blood--no HBO on the hospital TV) and I typed it in for her. We'll keep you all posted. -Ray]

And to celebrate, check out this morning's sunrise. It was dazzling! I had to stop on the way to work to try and shoot.






At the end of the work day, a thunderstorm rolled through at the school complete with hail. It was like being in Oklahoma again. As it marched east, I had to stop on the way home to get some shots. Had to. You understand. I missed shooting the ground level horizontal rainbow but traffic lights were out and streets were flooded so I had to be careful.







It was also the first day of kids being back to school. I was astonished to see security called so much on the first day and then I was told it was a calm day. What have I signed on for?

Had my MRI today. Should have results by Friday. Got a smashogram tomorrow. Should have results the same day.

I talked to a teacher at work who went through radiation AND chemo for her breast cancer to get some first hand info on radiation. She said it shouldn't be too bad. Chemo is the stuff that really knocks you out. Hopefully I won't have to go that route since they caught it early.

Well, that's all for now. I still haven't told my parents since I want something concrete to say, like a sort of conclusion or at least know if the radiation is just preventative rather than trying to kill something, but I guess I ought to do it soon.

So I got a phone call at work from someone at Dr. S's office (the surgeon) and was told "we need to regroup." I was all, "Why? Are you changing my appointments because I'm just going to call and change them back if you do."

The schedule - MRI Aug 10 @ 4:30 - after work - nice.
Smashogram - Aug 11 @ 2:50 - just about after work - also nice.
Appt with Dr. B - the blood dr. - Sept 10 - 1pm - not so sweet as I have no sick time built up.

Okay. The regrouping was this. An appointment was made for a radiology guy. "Wait. Last time I was there I was told there would be no discussion of treatment until the final pathology came in AND my MRI. Can I take the fact that we're talking to about radiation as an indication that final pathology came in?"

"Oh. Yes it has."

"And?"

Some numbers relating to the size of the tissue removed were spewed forth which necessitated me saying "That meant nothing to me. What are you getting at."

"Well if the affect area is more than 1cm then radiation is generally called for. Your appointment is scheduled for Aug 23rd at 8am."

"No it's not. You'd better get me the phone number of the guy (Dr. G) so I can reschedule that."

Dr. G is now Aug 24 at 2:30. Not great but not too bad. I talked to his receptionist to try and get some info. I was told that all this would be discussed after my MRI so what the french toast? I asked what kind of options I would be discussing besides radiation. There are no other options other than what kind of radiation I suppose and length of treatment. I think I'll go for Gamma rays. Isn't that what created the Hulk? I can be all SUSAN SMASSSSHHHHH! and terrorize the high school kids. Radioactive spiders are right out as I don't like spiders.

In other news, I was telling my boss about my schedule for the doctors and she said, "Thanks for keeping me abreast of the situation." I said thanks and had to bite my cheek to keep her from hear me laugh on the way back to my office. I don't think she meant to be punny, but oh my the timing was perfect!

I got my stitches out today. That was no big deal. Then the doc drops the bomb that more treatment will probably be involved. She didn't want to really get into it because final pathology hasn't come back yet (no rush guys though. it was only growing like a bleeding weed in there.) so she couldn't say for sure what kind of treatment would be involved. However the only one she mentioned was radiation everyday for 6 weeks. Are you shitting me? I have no idea if or how I can work that kind of thing into my work schedule with no leave at all built up yet.

I'm mad at this whole situation. I don't fully know what's going on. No one will answer questions because they don't want to even take a chance that the info they give isn't perfectly correct. I thought that once it was all removed - if it was all removed which we still don't know - end of story.

Then she kindly without my permission has an appointment set up with another doctor to discuss my anemia. Okay, I really don't have time to be running to ABQ every other day. I really don't. Other doctors too. My savings are going to be drained dry. Even with insurance.

This is nuts and I'm angry.

And scared.

And I wondered for the first time today if I'd see Dave graduate from college.